Indeed, eventhough I haven't been posting, but I am still here. I'm checking my blog in weekly basis. Strange that I feel like writing now. I miss my old self. I miss it so much. I stopped lots of my hobbies.. and lost many interests..
I miss playing on piano... and compose a music...
I miss opening Cinema 4D and create some cool looking abstracts or designs..
I miss going out with my friends...
I miss going out with my family...
I miss the friends I met online...
I miss everything really...
Yes I have been very unjust to myself. The question is ... How long do I have?..............
How long do you have?
I bet you are also like me somehow.. having the need to do stuff, but delaying it because you have other stuff to do. Imagine if tommorow is your last day....
What you gonna do?
If Tommorow.... is the end... imagine.....
If you really think about that... Believe me..
You will get up now...
Just like I would...
You will try to seize every second...
And make your life more meaningful.
Most importantly...
Make things that will let the other people remember you with...
Good deeds...
Come on, you know that you still haven't done everything... Thats why I'm telling you now..
GET UP!!!
Do what you really want from life. Make yourself happy and make everyone happy. Make your God happy for the most part. And don't sleep today before you know that your parents are glad and smiling because you have appreciated them.
God, please help us help ourselves...
Please let us see the right path and guide us..
Please God...
Let my heart be happy, and so is everyones' heart..
To all the people I miss..........
Know this:
I STILL MISS YOU!
I STILL MISS YOU!
I STILL MISS YOU!
D.Enigma
I talked about this earlier here.
It's really funny how each gender thinks and the truth remains that the mind can never fully meet with the heart. This is a finding that I can keep talking on forever because each gender is simply different and there is no chance that you can find a man & woman with the same mental and sentimental level. I know that this will not make sense to you. But then, once it does, then you will start to understand and it will in the end make sense!
As a general thought, men are much more "hard" than women, while women tend to be much more soft. Men are more self-dependant, while women are more social. Men rely on their rational thoughts(mind), while women rely more on sentiments(assuming it to be heart). These observations are generalizations, of course, but they are fairly obvious.
I accept the fact that I'm different on my level of thinking with my wife. I also tell her sometimes that these are the differences between you and me. However, a woman never wants to feel that she is different from her husband. Her husband has to be her soulmate and they should be the same in everything. Well, as you guessed. This is wrong. A Soulmate can also have differences.
The only question that run through my head now is...If God has created us different, then why bother with that? Why don't we look for the simalarities rather than concentrating on our differences? Men and women can be the same if they crave to be, but they should also give space for their differences to occur.
The keyword is personality.
Regards,
D.enigma
Today I celebrate with my wife our first anniversary. :)
The journey is still promising.
I know some of you want me to update more often but I sincerely apologize for not being up to the commitment I promised when I started this blog. My life pathways have changed in so many ways. Being the hard worker that I am, waking up 7:00am and coming back 6 or sometimes it goes up to 8pm... giving my full passion and whatever left of me to my wife, I think you should choose to forgive my lacking the ability to come and update. However, my "Annual leave" is coming soon! I promise I'll try to catch up with you fellas.
I really have so much to share with you all, but I am not in a bombardment mode, if I shall say. I have just came from a consuming party and I must sleep. It is 3:34 am exactly now, work starts 7:30... the machine has to get some sleep or its power will turn off.
Take care all and see you soon,
Best wishes,
Darth-Enigma
A childhood that did not everlast.
It was the beginning of the show
Yet a misery to be blast.
------
There was once ... a past
Where I could not bare
The carlessness they share.
The envy they hold when they stare.
The things I faced and saw
The tears I had to shed, it was sincerely unfair.
------
There was once ... a past
Where I could not see the light
Everything was just not right.
Yet in the vains, love still flow
Like a dove hugging me so tight.
------
There was once ... a past
With no one real best friend
And every relation has got to just end.
I Give, They take, then throw
That's where I just could not really blend.
------
There was once ... a past
For which I somehow thought I'm ill.
But I held my self up still.
Waiting for a thrill..
Happiness did not once glow
It was indeed an inevitable spell.
-----
There was once a past
Where I lost my queen
I felt I'm in a desert; nothing green
Nothing to touch, no one to be seen
It killed me too slow
And I was only a teen
-----
There was once a past
When I played piano and flute
They healed me from the root
And like a system, I had to reboot.
I finally had the chance to grow..
To kick some butts and actually shoot.
-----
There was once a past
Where I could finally see the ray
The white flowers that made me stay
It was indeed a great day
The memories did not want to go
It was a bright pathway, yet still gray.
-----
There was once a past
When I finally had the luck
And the time stopped saying tick-tuck.
I did not anymore actually suck
It was nearly the end of the show.
My life pathways just needed a truck.
-----
There is now... a future
Life that is new
Above the purple skies is the view
Pure hearts like white snow
It is like heaven where there is only...Few.......
Enigma__^
The unspoken voices have returned,
resuming the hidden auras of life.
Whispering to your ears..
Approaching you..
Awakening you... from the long sleep
From your solitude..
From the unreachable dreams.
To God only I put my faith
The sour in my heart...
The giant wounds that I can not take..
The love that I shall still forsake
God..
I am withen your hands..
Please heal me....
Please forgive me.....
Please give me the strength to fight...
please guide me to the light..
--------------------------------
"I wish I could erase all the memories and start a new white page."
Darth.Enigma
I just want to jot down in this blog the fact that..
I got..
engaged. :)
..are now enabled. I have done that for a couple of reasons. One of them is that I do realize that some people would like to argue with what I write but maybe they don't want me to know who they really are. It is fine with me. I'm having this blog to hear different sides of views. Supportive comments are always good, but I need critics as well. Thus, you have the freedom now to say what you want. But just be careful not to insult/flame me or any of my commentors.. I'm very sensitive at this. :)
Another reason is that I often hear some of my friends saying that they DO read my blog but they can not comment because they don't have a blog yet/they're not registered. I don't want to hear this excuse again lol.
ALWAYS LEAVE YOUR COMMENT. LET ME KNOW YOU EXIST IN MY LIFE XD
All in all, I hope that this thing will not be abused. Thanks in advance.
Yours,
'Yes I do, but I can't' is a thought I've been painfully living in nowadays.
Knowing that you do but you can not say that you do is a really hard concept to move on with. Knowing that there are restrictions that we can not go byeond often limit our perciptions and let us stay in a handicapped circle. I learned that we don't always get what we want in this life. Yet, we also don't want to give up on what we can't have. We like the challenge. We like to have the impossible.
"Forbidden food always looks tempting."
Another issue I'm really worried about is the counter force I'm using against society these days. Everyone complains about my anti-socialism. Everyone around me wants the old Enigma back. I say am always here when you need me. But have you been there when I needed you? So problems arise. I have this terrible thought that all people are playing against me, or maybe its only they have fun playing that rule. At any rate, I always go back to my room and luck the door. Staying away helps sometimes.
A common mistake some people are unaware of is the fact that kindness is a powerful weapon. That's why they ignorantly target the kind people and have their personalities growing depending on them. They think that kind people are weak and that's why it is okay to abuse them. From what I've been through, I have to say that kind people are more like a TNT. They are like a ballon that the more you keep blowing inside of, the more it will grow. And in the end, as you probably already guessed...
Boom.
Be careful. Because indeed..
"Nothing is what it seems."
Life has changed in so many ways. Years are flying by and we are always running out of time.. Getting used to be out-of-the-way turned to a habit, for which I cannot afford to break anymore. Every time I pray, I ask God for direction. Walking the pathway that has no slight of mercy on me, I keep wondering when it will end.
I can no longer delineate the true meaning of happiness. I know I will not find it here but in the hereafter. To many, happiness is defined by wealth, getting married, having kids, a good career, and a high education...etc. But To me, I know deep inside that that's not all there is to it. No matter what, when, or how.. You will never stop countering troubles. And as long as this happens, happiness is not assured.
No one is fond of reading my thoughts I'm sure. Because every time I open my mouth and say the truth that I see, people will immediately runaway. That's why I have no genuine friends. It's rare, very rare, to find someone who will grip my thoughts. People liked the old me, the happy jumping like a kid everywhere kind of guy. Making jokes every second. But one can't afford smiling at peoples' faces forever. You can't keep wounds in your heart and smile and act as if nothing happened. They will see it, and then ask you.
When that happens, you'll start to have faith again that… "Oh my god, eventually some one cared to ask" … That there is someone who wants to listen. While in fact, they were just trying to solve the puzzle. "Who is this quiet guy?" is all their concern.
They want to know who I really am.
When I open my heart to them, they will be contented! They will think that they won… probably a noble prize or something of that sort. Once they take for granted that the mystifying gentleman is no longer an obscurity, you will never see them again. Wow, how does that suck? That's where I will say to them: You will NEVER understand who I am. People usually, if not often, like to be with two kinds; the mysterious or the funny. If you can't afford any of these, then let me expect that you are having difficulties making friends.
It's amusing how I always point my finger at the people and say that its always there mistake. It's even funnier that I remember I told someone once, if we ever get apart, it will be because of you -- and that what happened. I do feel bad when I say this, but I know I will never harm a friendship I want to maintain.
Sadly, my assumptions were right.
Well, it's time to go to bed. I do feel abandoned, but it's good to have someplace to go to when there is no one to listen… And that somewhere for me is here. So, excuse me if you found this just another down pulling post. I need to let out -.-
mh.. Ramadhan Kareem to all.
May God accept all our prayers and good deeds in this holy month.
Yours/
Enigmatic Sensation
Probably some of you are familiar with my Darthy mood.
Well, it's coming back to me these days.
I'm getting my five senses back. However, nothing sounds like before.
Visualize with me someone who is used to eating chocolate/whatever .. every day. And suddenely, his teeth break and he can't eat anymore. The doctors couldn't find cure for him or do anything to help him cause his teeth were hurt very badly. At first, it will be hard, very hard, on that guy yeah? However, over time, he will get used to the fact that he can't eat chocolate anymore. He will hate the chocolate instead for ruinning his teeth.
Imagine a child who is used to play a lot with his doll; which his parents bought for him on his birthdy. Imagine then after a period of time, imagine the parents taking that doll from the kid. How would he feel? At first, it will be hard on him, but afterwards he will get used to living without it.
Imagine now "someone" who was in love with "someone else." Imagine that that "someone else" died. The "someone" will cry everyday, but in the end, he/she will stop.. and he will get used to the fact that he/she can live without that "someone else." But what would happen when "someone" knows that "someone else" was not dead after all this time? Will "someone" be able to drink the cup of tea again? I think he/she will..
But it will be different..
Because "someone" is already used to living without "someone else."
-Humans do move on.
-Humans change.
-Humans don't know what's inside of other humans unless they have a deep look inside.
-Humans never trust what hurted them before. Even if they do, it won't be half of what it used to be.
-Humans are attracted to what they don't know. But once they solve the puzzle, they jump up and try to solve the next one.
....
I'm not a HUMAN, or at least not a normal one! And I'm not an angel too. I'm not a demon. I'm not a ghost. I'm a different being. Something else. Something far. And I don't say this to brag, I'm saying it cause thats how I really feel.
Darth doesn't make sense, does he? .. Well, he never was anyway.
Ciao.
--I JUST CAN NOT BELIEVE IT'S BEEN MORE THAN A YEAR SINCE LAST TIME I POSTED HERE!
OMG. Life is indeed moving so fast. One year is a lot, really a lot.
I just had to drop by my blog today because some one very dear to me has asked me about it. I feel sorry to say that I really lost track of my previous likings. Designing Graphics, painting, writing music, photography, poetry, and most importantly blogging-- my only sincere way to reveal what's hidden inside. Yet, I assumed that all this crazy non-sense passion would have to fade into nothingness one day. They were merely hobbies. And I would have to change..
I was only healing myself from the pain. Hiding, trying to forget, to move on with a hope that it will pass; that's why I became a self-motivated artist. I liked what I was doing because everything I drew or wrote had a deep meaning that I didnt know how to express but on that form.
Life has changed and it is still changing. Right now I'm struggling on the path I'm walking on, but I can see the light at the end.
And the end is coming soon. :)
I got to go sleep now, so let me just spit this out of my chest..
People come and go, some of them come and take us to the light, while other take us to the dark. The idea is that we will have to move on with them or without them.
Never feel saddened about losing someone. Instead, embrace, learn, smile, and move on. Cause that is life, and it's all in the plan of our destiny.
Last but not least, I want to scream out loud that I LOVE MY FAMILY SO MUCH for everything from A-Z. I'm really blessed to have them.
Phew, okay that was a fast contemplation of my life. I'm sorry if I'm unthoughtful today.. but you'll have to excuse me cause a meal from Mcdonald's can do you wonders. -_-
nity nite!
As you can see, the template was changed to this. I had a rough time today in trying to make my previous template look as it was, but because www.imageshack.us is down (or something is wrong with it), my template looked so blank as "ME!" said :-/
I think I'll be using this for a while till I make a new one. And I'm not going to host my images in that website again, lesson is learned. I'll be working on a new template during Eid holiday inshallah. So, wait for it ^^
Anyway, I have a class in about half an hour, so..
Tata!
Can you guys believe this?! That.. We made it till the middle of the month?!
Hmmph.. I can't believe it. Time goes by so fast.
Today was 'karank3oh' day.. Sigh.. I still remember how I used to go to each house in our area and sing for them so they'd give me nuts and sweets. I can't do that now :( .. I'm old and really I feel like crying. Ahhh okay not really coz I still enjoyed it today. I felt great when I made the children who step by sing for me the song :D god bless them.. wallah they're so cuttttte!!
hehe .. so anywayz..
My exams will start on Thursday, that is two days from now. I'm not really well prepared so I think I'm going to step back from the internet the next 2 weeks. I really should focus on my studies more..
The conflict winding up in our system under the diffusion of our sentiments (assuming it to be restricted by the heart) and resolutions (controlled by the mind) doesn't look like the source of a major conflict, but it is. On the one side are emotions, which make us do what we want without broad thinking to answer who, why, what, when and how. On the other side, analysis, logic, planning, and answers to each question must be provided before we step up and do what we want to do. Each side is fighting to prevail and take control, so trouble is brewing.
The debate over which element we should listen to has gained momentum recently; because of my noting the increased uncertainty of this kind of conflict within every one of us. Yet, the media somehow played a great role in making it easier for every one to be swayed with what we should highlight as best for us, the heart or the mind. However, I think, letting one side wins and the other losses make our humanity deficient, which unfortunately some people are not taking notice of.
When sentiments take over the role we play each day, and consequently, with the increased over-control of feelings within us, the world shall end up seeming like a jungle. Everything will be free, no rules, no limits, and thus, more or less likely, an increase of devastation. Emotions can be divided into two, good and bad. Yet, even if the good part of it took over, the world will still seem unbalanced. On the other side of the loop, when the mind takes over all the control, we will be nothing more than a machine; functioning, only and always, to think of ways to solve our problems. Good in a way, but without the emotional part, making decisions and answering the problems can be too ruthless. No feel of guilt, no passion, no sorrow, no happiness, no crying, just doing whatever you're meant to do and leave.
It is asserted by many that people who are more into emotions are mostly women, and those who are into 'resolutions' are men. A quote to evoke, "A woman's head is always influenced by heart; but a man's heart by his head." Daang, not really! This has been looked into from a very narrow perception, if you ask me. I think that everyone of us has both sides (sure we do!) The problem is, we don't make a reasonable balance between the two. This is not about genders; it's about how humanly you are. And if you put into consideration the pursuit of happiness, you'll eventually realize that it should come from deep within first. Meaning, we should first solve all the conflicts deep within that's happening between our mind and heart... before we start seeking outside. We should balance the equation in our system, and then we'll find the contentment we seek!
That's all for today…
I'm really bored of Windows XP interface. I searched for skins and hints on how to turn it to look like Mac X. And viola, it really wasn't that diffecult to do. All I needed were couple of programs to install and that's it.
my desktop looks like this now:
If you want to change your Windows interface just download these programs:
- StyleXP
- ObjectDock
- ObjectBar
- YzShadow (gives you a shadow look under your windows, really cool!)
- iTunes (2 play music.. worth downloading)
- Icons (to change the icons and make them look like Mac)
May Allah(swt) accepts all our good deeds in this month.. and make it a blessing to everyone...
*kl 3am o entto b5eer*
Hi dear bloggers and friends,,
Just wanted to share some lil pointers at what happened last week, it's not much of a benefit to read this I guess, yet I just want to write something lol. Sorry about my lake of updates, this post is just to catch up...
Sunday 11, 2005:
Even though not much I've achieved in this day, still it was wonderful. I went to the computer shop (Softiel) and bought a tablet. ^^ I so need this for my upcoming digital art works.. Working with the mouse just sucks! Anywhos... It was not expensive so I gladly took it.
Pics pics pics.. Click to enlarge. ^^
It's not really something very fancy but certainly it does the job ^.^ Here is a lil unicorn I've drown 2 days ago using it (in painterIX);
cool ha? ^.*
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Monday 12, 2005:
Please go over the previous post first.
I've been thinking a LOT about my status on this day, about my life, my people, my everything. I came with some dicisions in the end. I don't wanna really talk about them though, but let me just say that sometimes, it gives you a really good feeling to think of your future and leave the past behind for awhile. I sort of have made some dicisions about what I'm going to do with my life. Pushed myself a step forward I guess..
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Tuesday 13, 2005:
*sigh*.. This day was such a sleepy day for me. Think of the laziest person ever, that was me. I haven't slept for two days and a half. Yap, you read that right. 2 days and a half... And, on the morning of that day I FINALLY slept! All Tuesday was gone sleeping! I woke up at night so regretful though. I really missed a lot of stuff. I also missed some important calls and worse yet, I missed praying on time. Sigh..
Oh well, I needed to sleep in the end.
Yeah another thingie, I watched Final Fantasy Advent Children the movie! (Thank you D. for telling me about it)
It's out people! Amm, usually, I don't give much credits to movies. I always try to find something to criticize them with and say 'oh that could have been done better'. But this one is just different. You shouldn't have any doubts about how excellent this is, it's simply the best computer-generated movie I've ever seen till this day ^^
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Wednesday 14, 2005:
Yap. Still alive and kicking. Nothing to complain about, *al7mdllah.*
Had fun spending time with my brothers, hanging around, cruising in the Land Cruisor lol. This car should be called Land Crusher by the way! hehe.. Oh, I know some of you people here would go like 'what? he hang around with his brothers? Where's the logic in that?' Well, yes I'm one of those who enjoys going out with his family more than with friends. Plus, I don't really have a lot of real friends, which is, yet, good in away. *me believes.*
I read this tiny book about watercolors, for Richard Bolton;
Very informative and full of great techniques regardless of the number of pages. ^^ It was really interesting to see how the artist uses watercolors to put life and details into his paintings...
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Thursday 15, 2005:
Amm, is it just me or do we all like Thursdays? hehe.. I really don't know why but I always see in everyone's eyes some sort of comfort and tolerance in this day. Maybe it's the freedom from work? hmm.. oh well, anyway, it was a pleasant day for me too.^^
Congratulate me peeps I finally bought the iPod of my dreams lol. I just can't stop staring at it. Really beautiful. I just love how slick and not-so-heavy this mini thing is!
Apple never fails to amaze me ^^
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Friday 16, 2005:
It's just like every other Friday... nothing much to mention. ;/
Amm, I watched the movie, The Incredibles with my family on th evening. The characters are soo cool. I loved the doughter the most. She looks so amm.. innocent ;p
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Quote of the Week:
"Men are four:
He who knows not and knows not he knows not, he is a fool - shun him;
He who knows not and knows he knows not, he is simple - teach him;
He who knows and knows not he knows, he is asleep - wake him;
He who knows and knows he knows, hi is wise - follow him!" - Lady Burton
Cheeeers!
P.s. I know, my life is so simple. :/
.
Last week was a point of change in my life, inner changes in specific. Some said this change isn't good for me, that I should stay the person I'm and never let struggles change who I am. Well, I'm really sorry.. but nothing stays the same. I want this change, so I care less if it's good or not! It's unfortunate, but sometimes you just have to loose your passion to survive.
To my bro A, you know how much I'm grateful to the truth you opened my eyes to. I told you.. you're wise...
--------------
Eye of the Tiger
by Rocky (survivor album)
Risin up
back on the street
did my time took my chances
went the distance now I'm back on my feet
just a man and his will to survive
so many times
it happens too fast
you trade your passion for glory
don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past
you must fight just to keep them alive
It's the eye of the tiger
its the cream of the fight
risin up to the challenge of our rivals
and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
and he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger
Face to face
out in the heat
hanging tough
stayin hungry
the stack the odds still we take to the street
for the kill with the skill to survive...
It's the eye of the tiger
its the cream of the fight
risin up to the challenge of our rivals
and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
and he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger
Risin up
straight to the top
had the guts got the glory
went the distance now I'm not gonna stop
just a man and his will to survive
It's the eye of the tiger
its the cream of the fight
risin up to the challenge of our rivals
and the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
and he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger
The eye of the tiger......
The eye of the tiger......
The eye of the tiger......
Hiii! How are you all?
I wish you're in great health. Alright my question today is;
Do you believe music can speak for itself? Do you think you can read what the instrumentwise is trying to say through his tunes? Can you express yourself through music?
As for me, I'm really starting to believe so. After I woke up today and had my breakfast and everything, I came to my keyboard piano, sat, and recorded myself while playing. Amm.. You know this feeling when you just don't know how to put the right words together to make your point clear? That's how I was feeling when playing the piano.. So, it was just an attempt to express myself in another way.. through the rythems.. It just speaks out everything in your heart. *ahh.. i'm still listening to what I was playing, I can't believe I play like this!* Seriously, if you ask me now to play it again, I'd say I can't do it exactly. I followed one scale when I was playing and the rhyme came out like that. I can play it again 'similarly' but not exactly. It would just depend on my feelings on the instant I'm playing it. That's why I'm beginning to believe that feelings has a lot to deal with music.
Anyway, here is another side of me I reveal today.. Please click on the link if you wish to listen to me playing(you'll be asked to wait for 60 sec; then just click on the Download button):
My Rivers of Sentiments
*hope the link works*
I used three instruments; piano(intro), guitar(main), and flute(finishing). Dedicating this to someone very special to me that I talked to yesterday who.. opened my eyes to many things. I'm very thankful to that person.. for everything. and I'll always will...
.
